Sauron looms in Mordor; Walmart to open Tuesday

Framed in the background by the the Mordor-like steam rising from the Perry Nuclear Power Plant cooling towers, evil has come to my own little burg.

No, I'm not talking anything as paltry as the Dark Lord himself threatening 1,000 years of darkness. The anti-Christ's march over the land would be welcomed with balloons and flowers if it meant escaping this threat about to erupt in the northwest. Hell itself quakes in fear at the prospect of this bleak armageddon.

W-w-w-w-...I can't say it. Come to think of it, yes I can (mothers, cover the eyes and ears of your children)... Walmart opens Tuesday.

Oh, the wailing and the ululation! It's the end of the world as we know it. Dogs and cats, living together...mass hysteria - no wait, that's another movie. And not only a simple Walmart...gasp!...it's a SUPER Walmart! Black despair threatens an entire community...nay, county...nay, state...country...universe!

Except for those of us who shop there and like the low prices. Oh yeah, and the 300+ people who will have jobs at the new store. Well yeah, and the schools which will eventually get a big boost from the property tax revenue. Then there's the aging neighboring property owners who will be able to turn their farmland into big bucks when other stores inevitably cluster near the superstore.

They might even get jobs as greeters!

But doggone it, the union's not going to get anything out of this new store. Not single Walmart employee is going to get paid $25 an hour to push a broom for two hours of their eight-hour shift. And imagine, the employees are going to have to pay something for their health insurance, if they want it. Outrageous! Scandalous! Black despair again threatens to overwhelm me...

Billboards (paid for with union dues) line the four-lane road in front of the store, complete with a yellow smiley face urging residents not to shop with the devil (well, actually they said Walmart.)

Being the blasphemer I am, I will happily be one of the first customers through the door Tuesday. I might even buy something...Ha!

I'll go a step farther and predict little consequence for the truly local stores in this community. An ailing Kmart and an overpriced chain grocery store, both in a nearby plaza, will feel the pinch - I'd predict Kmart will be gone in six months. I'm sure that's predicted at the corporate level as well...while other local Kmarts have been revamped as part of the new Sears partnership, the local store remained stagnant. I don't think there will any negative effect on the local restaurants, auto parts stores, banks, tanning stores, carpet outlets or high-end clothes stores.

I DO wish Walmart would skew its stock toward U.S.-manufactured items instead of those made overseas. It might hurt the bottom line a little, but would go a long way toward repairing a blackened reputation.

I loved the one-stop shopping meccas of Meiers (when we lived in Michigan) and Biggs (when we lived in Cincinnati.) Now, Super Walmart has come to me.

Shopping with the devil? Sure . Just point me toward electronics and sporting goods and I'll be a happy camper.