5 a.m. at WalMart or "if you have to ask if this looks like a hooker dress, there's no way Dad is buying it."

Black Friday...5 a.m....Wal-Mart.

It just doesn't get any better than that, does it?

Braving the blowing, snow-blind 18-degree day after Thanksgiving, our clan loaded into the van and headed out for the biggest shopping day of the year (groan.) We had a 6-member pack, including my wife and daughter, father-in-law, sister-in-law and nephew. First on the list was a trip to Circuit City to try to get one of the $199 laptops advertised. Apparently the weather was no deterrent as we pulled into the parking lot to find 500 people standing in line in the blowing snow...next on the list was Best Buy, which had a similar line.

We regrouped, found a 5 a.m. "Shopper's Breakfast Bar," and reviewed our options. Wal-Mart was nearby, though no one could remember anything from their flyer. Rested and with our optimism restored through copious quantities of corned beef hash, we went to Wal-Mart.

There, we found the store less crowded than expected, though there were probably 500 people in line at the layaway counter, many with multiple carts in tow. I checked out sporting goods...no good deals on firearms/ammunition. I also checked out electronics...no good deals on remaining computers and no XBox 360s. I was ready to go.

Unfortunately, we also had women in our entourage with their genetic inability to instantly identify whether a store possessed anything worth buying until they had thoroughly checked each and every item. My wife and her sister, addicts of the "What No To Wear" genre of television, were shopping for their mother (who wisely remained at home.) My daughter, age 10 but going on 21, was shopping for clothes to land her a guest spot on Jerry Springer ("I am a Preteen Streetwalker.")

Canned response to wife "yes, that color's nice." Canned response to daughter "if you have to ask if this looks like hooker clothes, it is." Score: Dad 1, Hooker Clothes 0.

And so the morning went...no great buys were snatched up, though I did manage to sneak away from the clothes shopping frenzy to get to Gander Mountain and get some of that new and overpriced ($59 pants, $39 shirts) Under Armour long underwear everyone's raving about. I was worried about a cold opening morning Monday for deer season, though recent forecasts are calling for a high of 64 degrees and rain.

I guess the bulk of our holiday shopping, as usual, will be carried out in the dwindling moments before Christmas Eve.